He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
