I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
