May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
