her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
