Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
