Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
