She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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