Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
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