I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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