You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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