Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize