grandma shit on top of the toilet
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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