i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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