Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
