He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
farters have to be the big spoon...
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
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