I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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