yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Randomize
