How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Randomize
