you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
