apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
