Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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