so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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