where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Could you please tell me why If you were a 21 year old man why you would want to sleep with a girl who has tinkerbell bedding?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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