I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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