i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
