hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
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