Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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