Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
