I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
