Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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