I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I think I won the penis lottery.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
we should paint friendship bongs
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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