I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
