i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
