I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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