new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I am spending my child support on dildos
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
