my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
