I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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