He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
