Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
