i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
