When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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