At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
