I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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