it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
