My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
