it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
