Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
