i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
