to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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