There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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