I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
