you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
