I never want to see another naked old woman again.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
So many bounce houses so little time
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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