my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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