So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Randomize
