But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
