I wish I only lived at night.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
