Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
