She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
