Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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