What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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